Pouring out my heart

I started this blog with a promise that I would be open and completely honest about my walk with God. So much has happened to me in the last two years and I have had mixed feelings about sharing any of  it with you all on the blog.

Today I sat down in my room and remembered that I always told people that I felt so bad about my testimony because it always seemed so small when compared to what others had been through. I realize now that the trials and temptations of the last two years are part of my testimony. I always longed to be tested and ‘’oh was I tested’’. I am sorry to say, but I doubted, I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t trust God.

Father, I am here to say I am sorry for doubting you, for not trusting you to save me from myself. I am sorry for doubting you could save me from the mess I made of my life. It beats me how I could think that I didn’t matter to you, that it meant nothing to you how much I cried. I just couldn’t believe you would let me go through so much pain and sorrow, I didn’t think I deserved to suffer that much. Daddy I am sorry because you didn’t deserve to suffer so much for ME.

Lord I am saying it is hard, so hard to be both mother and father, it’s hard to wake up all alone. Father it’s so hard to be Fese right now but today I choose to smell the roses. I ask you Father only for the grace and strength to carry on. Father, I need your touch, yes to heal my broken and bitter heart and to give me a new song. Nonetheless I trust in you even as I sing;

What though the way be lonely, and dark the shadows fall,
I know wher’er it leadeth, My Father planned it all.
I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I’ll trust Him whatever befall;
I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it all.

There may be sunshine tomorrow, Shadows may break and flee,
Twill be the way He chooses, My Father’s plan for me.
I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I’ll trust Him whatever befall;
I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it all.

He guides my fal’tring footsteps, A–long the weary way;
For well he knows the pathway, Will lead to endless day.
I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I’ll trust Him whatever befall;
I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it all.

A day of light and gladness, On which no shade will fall;
Tis this at last awaits me , My Father planned it all….
I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I’ll trust Him whatever befall;
I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it a